Heroic Hello!

That’s right. I saved a baby duck today. Okay, so there WERE TWO blue speckled big eggs that some adorbs unwitting mama left in the corner of the house. I gated them off with this fencing you just chunk into the earth: it’s wide enough for the ducks to get through but not wide enough for Hugo. Except that we had a big storm and I let Hugo out and despite his oaffy demeanor I’ll be damned if he didn’t make a b-line for those eggs as one of the fence posts had fallen when it was super windy last night. I called him back in, and he literally had egg on his face. Schnoz over easy. But I got the fencing put up with a double lair this time and there’s still one egg so I’m hopeful. Crazy the things we get attached to.

We had a bunch of eggs around the house during Coronacation. Hard to believe that’s been a few years ago already. At first it was GREAT having the kids home because I work from home and they had online class with teachers that actually really cared. THEN the world went loco over TP and we all had to wash our fruit before we could bring it inside, which led to the Dorito Defense by which we all fought off gaining the COVID 19 since eating digestible sulfates seemed safer than an organic perishable orange that was certain to be laden with some awful virus. THEN some administrators got wise and decided to make classes safe enough for kids to go every day. While others decided to really upend rational thinking with hybrid schedules nobody could understand. In hindsight it all reads like a really bad script.

The latest from Upscale Mayberry …

Since our last convo I’ve been researching cancer friendly clothing and – truly no offense because I do love you – but I gotta ask. What the hell have you been wearing these past 8 months? Anything port friendly looks like a track suit best worn only by Ron Burgundy or any of the made men on Sopranos. I’m no Versace (oh to have 1/100th the panache of Donatella; the woman really is a queen in her own right), but I love clothes, have been a Vogue subscriber since I was 14 and love the idea of a real purpose that intermingles fashion savvy women (you) with an unmet fashion need. We always say “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” Why? Because even on crud days you feel a little better if you are dressed in something that gives you that confidence push. So here are my thoughts:

1. Go from Tony Soprano to Sophia Loren [insert drawings] so you’ve got port accedss magnets or easy snaps, contrasting cuffs, hidden slanted pockets, way better boat neck neckline so it’s not stifling and you can wear a soft cashmere scarf that will feel good and not heavy itchy. Hello! made tailored for women. Not tight – just not a velour box. Now we just need to find someone that can: a.) turn doodles into patterns; and, b.) sew.
2. Pants: black straight leg, side contrast chevron or fun tracking, closet goal couture not cheesy with snaps or magnets so it’s super easy on / off;
3. Tunic/Dress: a.) boat neck so loose not stick to radiation itchy gel but can still layer; b.) port access at angled zippers or with leather (or faux leather if we have to have that convo) accents versus super obvious velcro so part of the design doesn’t look so ad lib. c.) slight bell sleeves (bc accessories deserve their space; our clientele wear tennis bracelets and tag heuer); d. wear with leggings; e.) colors of navy made of supersoft peruvian flannel and cottons with dark trim, color block for fall and portwine dark purple (not that grimace radiation purple you showed me – that’s eggplant meets bruised, we are talking positive purple) that’s dark enough to cover the wine spills with – of course – contrast trim.
4. The material is all svelte cozy, like a baby’s blanket but inside use micromodal. It’s softer than silk and wicks moisture, inside the port areas lined with an antimicrobial section that can use silver leaf nylon dressing so it won’t stick or pull (it’s no wonder the cotton stuff sticks. If I have to start sending you my Hanes wifebeaters = which I love but really only to layer – then you may as well just be naked. Anyhow – back to materials – we want a super fine wool that can have soft padding inside that’s even removable – like the cups in sports bras. If you use a micromodal product, it’s a cellulose product gleaned from hardwood trees so it’s synthetic minimal, AND it naturally fights off bacteria. Think the science of Nike Dri-Fit or the Adidas Tech tees – it’s all made out of stuff like this. There’s a whole science behind what could be done to update your wardrobe even in the ickiest of times.
5. Headware – super soft but matches. The headwear available goes by so m any names! Scarf, snood (personal fav), ticehl, warp, doorag (on yo’ bad ass days when you get the kids to make the macaroni although we are probably not cool enough to pull that off even if you pull out the C card), chemobandana, hijab and the good old fashioned headbands and turbins.