South Beach Salutations!

Okay, you called my bluff – I’m writing this from the bleachers of the Aquatic Center swim meet, but MENTALLY I am so still in that perfect haven of oceanfront Nirvana. It is the epitome of nonjudgment meets fashion welcome committee. I wore four inch velvet heels with a sparkly cocktail dress to dinner; Pete wore a button down, jeans and sneakers and we were each perfectly fit in attired. I almost went to law school at University of Miami. I was weight listed but got a call from the admissions that I was next in line and could expect an acceptance letter soon. At which pint my god fearing never swears holy mother looked me square on and said “if you go there, you’ll flunk out because all you’re gonna do is F— Around.” And my stunned 21 year old self knew she was right. Wish that girl would have also known that failing out of law school in Miami would not have been the end of the world, that there was still a chance of surprising oneself even with such proximity to great beaches. And that I would have been so happy. I could have been Versace’s beard or hooked up with Latino hottie chopper pilots. I might not have wound up living in Mayberry and being friends with you, but may be we WOULD have been friends and you could be visiting me to enjoy my oceanfront view. C’est la vie. Funny how butterfly effect impactful each of those decisions can be.

How you feeling? Maybe the radiation will be so effective beyond all expectations that you won’t even need the chemo follow up. I’m going with that as a medical form of positive outcome potential until specifically told otherwise.

The latest from Upscale Mayberry:

Spent the last hour by another swim mom, Suzie. She is super nice and a feisty little thing that’s got daggers out for Walmart. In early December she ordered a go-kart which was the ONLY thing on her eight year old Santa believing son’s Christmas list. Ten days later, the delivery truck arrives and leaves the delivery as instructed by her garage. Suzie gets home from work to discover that instead of a little red dune buggy go-kart they delivered a king size MATTRESS. She calls asap and gets connected to a delivery customer call center in India: one that is apparently staffed by non-Christians with zero appreciation for the “guaranteed delivery by December 24th”. Suzie is advised that her “first choujice item is backstocked but they (insert politically incorrect Indian accent) Guar-Ant-Tee deeleeveree by Deecember twentee-six.” She says it’s not at all acceptable and is then told “It is a very nice mattress” and “you should puh-leeze be calm because it is ia veeeery nice mattress.” Suzie goes bananas. They THEN try to charge her an exorbitant oversizesd item restock charge and said she needed to physically transport teh mattress to be returned to a UPS center. If ther’s a telephonic way to send steam, I’m sure the rep’s ears were scorched.

She ended up paying $40 more to get the same go-kart from Amazon in time for Santa’s debut., It took an email and many more calls with a small claims court threat for Walmart to come get their mattress and reverse the charges.

Moral of the story? Do NOT buy go-karts from Walmart. You know my sentiments about that place: there’s an element of contributory negligence assumed by each shopper for walking in there. Even the crazies know to keep their behavior at bay knwoing the chances that someone even loonier than them is likely one motorized scooter or half an aisle away. Vigalente postal style justice on works for the perpetrator if EVERYONE ELSE around you isn’t the same loony ass mental as the dude with the gun.

So, now you know.

Must be something in the air. The “Italy” engraved frame with our initials came but instead of Italy said “Germany”. And I specifically typed in Italy. I sent it back, and they sent me an Italy without the initials but I’m keeping it’s too close to risk delivery by xmas.

Pete works with a lot of gay men who are flight attendants. Which is great that the airline industry has, for a lot longer than many, embraced the diversity. Anyone who says being gay is a choice, is an idiot. Who would choose to make life that much harder? Pete and I will dispute the nuances. Pete says if a dude voluntarily puts a dick in his mouth, he is gay. Me? I allow for a window of experimentation. What if you’re drunk? What if you just don’t know? Minors and prisons don’t count.

I used one of Pete’s passes to fly to Miami as the flights were open. My BIL Tommy used one to go skiing. When I talked to Kelly, she was super crabby. Said it must be nice everyone uses Pete’s passes to go on vacation. Pete said we could use his passes anytime we wanted, so long as we understood (which we do having grown up in that world) that we will be the last ones on and the first ones kicked off if there’s a space or weight and balance issue. I told Kelly to take two days off and we’d go wherever she wants. She says she needs to work, which means she is stressed and in legit need of a break. Her kids are awesome, but it’s tough keeping plates spinning. I know it’s the kneejerk reaction to scoff: say what’s wrong with her and stop being so grumpy. Why do we do that? Shouldn’t we elevate, elevate, empathize and then elevate women? It takes a lot to keep a household running: dealing with a demanding job (which is most any job where you care and want to do a good job or at least quiet quitting not get fired), kids that are always sick or throwing a wrench in the schedule despite everyone’s best efforts, no one in the house would be wearing clean underpants if it weren’t for us doing laundry. All food would be processed and in the crisper drawer of the frig. And don’t get me started about signing kids up for lessons, registration for any activity that takes twelve times longer than it should, figuring out which concession stand parent activity voluntolding session you can commit, food – because everyone needs to eat – and teacher gifts and trying to fit in a workout so your body doesn’t go to pot, staying connected with friends you never see because they’re in the same throes of calendar lunacy, planning a trip or something to do or at least renew a membership for spring break, which is nothing compared to having to accomodate schools that now feel no need to have most weeks be five days weeks and even when they are there’s at least one or two days of early dismissal.